The Spitting Image Church
If spit was good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for us!
We believe in Jesus Christ. We ask people to accept him as their Lord. We baptize not by sprinkling but Spitting. We do totally immerse, if we can get enough people to spit in the baptistery to fill it. We believe in the healing power of God. By using the Spit that God gave us, we Spit on what ever hurts. "Just Like Jesus Did".
We believe Spit can cover a multitude of sins. We strive to be a spitting image of Christ. All we ask of you, is that you B. B. Y. C. (brush before you come). May the Lord bless you and may the Lord never let your mouth dry out.
We also have a "Shadow Ministry" for healing of the things you do not want to have people spit on. This is a growing ministry that is not only a day time ministry but with the right light, can be done at night. All one does is lay on the floor and let one of our shadow ministers pass by and when his shadow hits you, you will be healed (if it is God Will).
On Wednesdays we have what we call our "Jam Service". It is our weekly foot-washing service where we all take turns washing each others feet. (We use tap water.) Please bring a towel big enough to fit around you and make sure to wear underclothes. We do it just like Jesus did it. We strive to be in the spitting image of Christ.
One word of warning. "Please tell the truth at all times!" Last week five out of our twelve board members fell down dead after the pastor called down the Holy Spirit to kill them for lying.
Below are some scripture references to support our beliefs:
*** are for the Spitting Ministry , +++ are for the Shadow Ministry
xxx Calling the Holy Spirit to kill people and $$$ Foot washing
*** (Mark 7:32-33 NIV) There some people brought to him a man who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged him to place his hand on the man.(33 ) After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man's ears. Then he spit and touched the man's tongue.
*** (Mark 8:22-25 NIV) They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. (23) He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, "Do you see anything?" (24) He looked up and said, "I see people; they look like trees walking around." (25) Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.
*** (John 9:3-7 NIV) "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. (4) As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. (5)While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." (6) Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. (7) "Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.
+++ (Acts 5:14-16 NIV) Nevertheless, more and more men and women believed in the Lord and were added to their number. (15) As a result, people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter's shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by. (16) Crowds gathered also from the towns around Jerusalem, bringing their sick and those tormented by evil spirits, and all of them were healed.
xxx (Acts 5:3-5 NIV) Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? (4) Didn't it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn't the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God." (5) When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died. And great fear seized all who heard what had happened.(8) Peter asked her, "Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?" "Yes," she said, "that is the price." (9) Peter said to her, "How could you agree to test the Spirit of the Lord? Look! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also." (10) At that moment she fell down at his feet and died. Then the young men came in and, finding her dead, carried her out and buried her beside her husband.
$$$ (John 13:3-5 NIV) Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; (4) so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. (5) After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
How should you evaluate such claims as the above?
By asking two questions:
(1) Did such experiences ever occur in the Bible; and, if so,
(2) Was it intended to be the standard for all?
Is it to be the exception or the rule, unique or normative?
The sad thing is that people are using this type of thinking to justify some of the “way out things” they are doing and teaching. People search the scriptures to find that one verse to justify the thing they want justified.
When people give you scripture references read the whole chapter to see what is going on. Don’t just take the one reference out of context.
Can you find other times in the Bible that it happened and was it the same?
Ask, "is this verse telling us to do this or is it just telling what happen"?
Rev. Dale C. Crow DD, PhD
* Degrees & title off the Internet
Click here to email me your thoughts on this web page!
In the Falklands when the Brits were defending the islands, penguins used to watch the jets fly overhead. They would watch the jets from the horizon until they were overhead, and they would raise their heads higher and higher until they all fell on their backs. Ten thousand penguins on a beach would all fall on their backs at the same time. The moral of the story is this: it doesn't matter how many people do a silly thing, it is still a silly thing.
Likewise, Christians who focus on so-called manifestations of the Spirit that are extra-biblical are like these penguins on their backs.
How about a button to wear that says:
"I'm not a penguin!"